BDE - Big Decision Energy
Rooftop views always help me clear my mind and think about the big picture.
Making big girl decisions about my health is not easy. After much research and multiple in-person and virtual doctor appointments, I’ve decided to have fibroid surgery this month. Having surgery in a whole ass pandemic, while not ideal, is hopefully going to improve my quality of life in the long run.
I’ve agonized over this decision for years, and put off making a decision because the larger question around preserving fertility opens up Pandora’s box for a single woman in her late 30s. Laparoscopic myomectomy, is known for being minimally invasive, and if you think you want to still have kids, this is the best option from what I’ve researched and discussed with my doctor*. When I discussed my symptoms with the surgeon, she said she thinks I might also have endometriosis, and that while they are in there (my uterus), they will look to see if that is the case, and try to remove that as well.
Where I’ve landed for now is that I’m not sure if I want to have kids. The abstract idea of being a mom sounds cool.. there’s matching/coordinating outfits, birthday parties to plan, Instagram accounts to start, and many, many pictures to take. The reality of motherhood is all the things people don’t speak about nearly as often— the way a pregnancy will forever change your body, late nights, the long-lasting worry of being a mother of Black children in this country, finances, and what parenting looks like married or if you break up with your co-parent. And that’s the short list!
Even with all that being said, I don’t want to take the option off the table yet. While I’m still on the fence about motherhood, my surgery decision wasn’t made based solely on the idea of a future Melissa Jr., but more on the current Melissa Sr.. For this motherhood thing to work, really for this thing called life to work, I have to be okay first. I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve missed work or been late to work over the years because of fibroid pain that either left me exhausted from a night of interrupted sleep, or doubled over in pain unable to manage a commute to the office. Or the times I had to cancel brunch dates or nights out with my friends because just as I was getting dressed, pains began and wouldn’t subside. Full beat and laid out on the bed in pain. Or how long it takes me to do tasks like cooking or cleaning at home, because I have to take breaks in between if pains start. The highlight of working from home during this pandemic has been that if pains start, I can get my heating pad and lie down in my bed with my laptop and continue working. It’s been a hot mess y’all, and I’m over it.
As you can tell, my quality of life is at stake. Tinkering with my baby-making apparatus makes me nervous. Anesthesia? also some scary shit. But what’s scarier for me is a continued existence in pain… real physical pain. Pain that then bubbles over to sexy time pain.. yea this also affects that too. Pain that bubbles over to emotional eating and drinking. Pain that I can no longer ignore. In July, the pain was so bad at one point, I was ready to consider a whole hysterectomy, since that’s the only surefire way you can end the fibroid roller coaster. That’s how desperate I was. My doctor urged me to reconsider, so after prayer, Google searches, a second opinion, and a lot of time alone to unpack my ideas around having kids, I came to this final decision.
I’ve had to make grown up decisions on my own for some time now, but now that I’m 37, the decisions seem to have accelerated in their seriousness, and I feel the weight of it now more than ever. What I have learned during these first few months of this new chapter in my life is that I have to be okay, and if I’m not, nothing else is going to matter. So I guess the second lesson I learned is that I’m going to choose me more, and every single time. - MB
*Medical advice that I’ve received is through my doctor and my own research. If you are considering fibroid removal, please consult your physician.
