It All Falls Down

I was glowing the night of my birthday. Looking across the table at him, I was having the perfect night.

I wish I was returning to writing with better news, but here we are.

It truly was all good about a week ago.

Leading up to my birthday celebration week, I met a guy online and within a few days, I felt completely swept off my feet. I have never met a man who seemed so genuinely generous towards me. I’ve experienced generosity from men before, but it was always with the intention to get what they wanted from me. With him, it felt like he just really wanted to show me he was serious about courting me and was interested in dating me with a purpose. We went on three dates in five days, and he made the actual day of my birthday so special, and the days leading up to it equally so with quality time, immersive conversation, humor, and his warm smile.

It felt amazing and I was literally floating on air. I couldn’t stop thinking about him or gushing on IG about how awesome he was to me. And to add to that, he came to my birthday dinner with my friends (held the weekend after my birthday since it was in the middle of the workweek), and they all thought he was great as well. You couldn’t tell me we weren’t going to become official by year’s end, if not sooner!

So a few days ago, I told him I wanted to take him out on a date. There was a comedy show at the Barclays Center, and I thought it would be a laid back fun night together. The date itself was a bit rocky. He seemed overly preoccupied with his phone all night, and at times I felt like he was watching the show alone and I just happened to be seated next to him. The energy felt off to me. We ran into one of his coworkers when we arrived and he didn’t bother to introduce me as his friend or anything. It was awkward as his friend was looking right at me almost waiting for my date to make the intro that never came. By the end of the night I was feeling a little deflated but still wanted to remain positive and salvage the night. I asked him if he wanted to go get a drink somewhere nearby and he was game.

Once we got outside he shared he wanted to go to Insomnia Cookies. I’ve had their cookies once years ago but not something I’d be motivated to wait in a long line for. Yet as we arrived and saw the line, he seemed disappointed that I didn’t want to wait in the line. I decided to compromise and said we could wait.

And we waited…. and waited…

A while into our standing in line, I noticed there was a bench in front of the spot so I sat down because at that point I was kind of over it. It was late, I had no interest in the cookies, and going for a drink was no longer on my agenda, I just wanted to go home. It was during out Uber ride home that I glanced over and saw that he was on his phone again but this time he was perusing a girl’s Facebook profile and then going to send a message via FB messenger. Once I saw that I was beside myself. I remained quiet as I felt myself getting more upset and on the verge of tears.

We were not exclusive or in a relationship, but at this point of his seemingly enthusiastic pursuit of me, I would at least expect that he would wait till I’m not in his presence before speaking to other women. I haven’t left any dating apps myself, but I wouldn’t have been looking at a man’s profile or texting another guy in his presence either. Once the Uber got to my apartment building, I just told him good night and got out. When I got into my apartment, I sent a text message letting him know what I saw and that I felt like I was punched in the face by witnessing that.

He didn’t respond.

In the morning, he still hadn’t responded, so I tried calling but he kept sending me to voicemail. A little while later he sent me three long text messages saying that I was a poor communicator and that he no longer wanted to see me anymore. He shared that my silent treatment didn’t sit well with him and for that reason he didn’t think we would work.

And maybe he’s right. Could I have told him at that moment I felt some type of way? Sure. Would it have been sweet, kind, diplomatic Melissa? NOPE! And for THAT reason, I kept quiet. I didn’t want to embarrass myself or him in public or in an Uber’s backseat. In my own defense, I did tell him about being on his phone during dinner and conversation, and I did tell him I wanted to dance with him during the music breaks at the comedy show. I did try to tell him I was not enjoying certain things at the moment the thing occurred that bothered me. The situation with him communicating with a woman in my presence was just the last straw for me and would have elicited a much more negative response, which is why I chose to be quiet instead.

The silent treatment wasn’t the best way to handle it, but I’m a work in progress. I can admit where I messed up, but with him refusing to take my calls so that we can talk it through, I wasn’t given a chance to share my point of view and what got us to this point. Maybe he’s right to not want to speak to me anymore. It’s his prerogative. For me, all I keep thinking was that even though things were moving along quickly and well, we still have only known each other for two weeks. If he’s not willing to extend some grace to me, someone who just a few days ago he was inviting to his family’s home for Thanksgiving and promising that next year we’d be celebrating my birthday out of town together, then perhaps we weren’t meant to be. Perhaps he wasn’t as deserving of the high pedestal I placed him on in my mind.

My friend offered some advice from her current dating experiences that I also believe, which is that especially in the beginning of dating someone, you have to try and meet folks where they are at, and be a little understanding as they learn you and what makes you tick. No one is going to know you perfectly out of the gate. There will be some bumps in the road, but so long as it’s nothing too detrimental, you should be able to navigate it, if you think the person is worth the work and effort. I don’t think this situation was enough to end things but I can’t and won’t beg anyone to date me.

So what have I learned from all this?

• What I want in a potential partner is not too high of a standard, and there are men willing to court me the way I wish to be courted. This experience showed me it’s possible.

• Next time I’m in my feelings I will vocalize I’m upset and need time to process.. that I want to talk about it but I want to wait for me to be in the right headspace, and that I will initiate that convo when I’m ready. If that doesn’t work for the next guy I date then Idk lol but that’s the best I can do y’all.

• I’m still a good person worthy of a good man and when the timing is right, I know it will be amazing.

As part of my birthday dinner, I wrote personal notes to each of my guests, including this guy. I said a lot of things in that note, but the thing that stands out most is that I felt like our paths crossed for a reason. Although I feel really disappointed, I am glad that for a slice of time, I could imagine a future with a great guy, and that I learned some valuable things about myself in the process. For that, I’m grateful.

-mel b.