Looking for love in a pandemic: Online Speed Dating

I tried online speed dating, and it went as well as you might imagine.

Even though it’s an online event I made sure to put my best face and hair forward, and that the girls were sitting.

Even before I launched this blogging adventure, a number of my friends have told me to write a book or otherwise share my dating experiences.  Some of my dating fails are quite epic in nature, even I can admit that, but the associated pain of failure has made me hesitant to dive deeper into the topic, aside from the occasional storytime posts I’ve shared on my personal Instagram account.  However, I committed to making my blog lit for 2021, and I think part of that is being honest about my experiences in dating because I think my journey is pretty relatable. 

So here it goes!

If you know me, you know that I’ve come to enjoy Zoom parties.  They’ve been a nice way to feel some semblance of a party vibe while still at home.  I even hired a DJ from one of the parties I regularly attend to play music for my own birthday Zoom party back in September.  So it was that search for online parties on Eventbrite that I stumbled upon speed dating events.  From there I decided I would check out the speed dating company I attended events from many years ago to see if they had transitioned to online, and they had.  They are NYC based, and offer dating events for various age groups but also ethnic/racial backgrounds.  I decided to give the African American singles event a try.

Initial thoughts?

Meh. That’s what I got lol.

Planning wise, it went fine.  I received the Zoom link ahead of time as well as a day-of reminder. The event host was warm and personable, and everything started on time.  As an event planner for several years, those pieces all worked well for me.

But you give zero fucks about that, I know.. you want the tea on the menss.

There were 12 men for 15 women to meet.  My experience at past in-person speed dating events was much like this, and sometimes it was even more lopsided, with several more women than men.  With that being said, I found a number of the men endearing and nice enough, and certainly don’t feel like my time was wasted. For each speed dating round, we started in the main Zoom room, and then each woman was placed in her own breakout room, and a man was added, and you were able to chat for 5 minutes, and you could see the timer! Once the time was up you were automatically taken back to the main room, and this process went on for each round until you met everyone. We had mini icebreaker questions in between rounds while our host set up the new breakout rooms.

Post-event, we were emailed a link to log into their website, where attendees would select their matches.  If you matched with someone, you received their phone number and email and they received yours. Of the 12 men, I selected 8, and 4 matched with me.  I was feeling pretty good about those odds.

Since Friday, I am only now speaking to one of my matches.  Now before you tell me I should have given some of these guys more of a chance, my thought process for 2021 is letting go of anything that isn’t for me. And one of their exits wasn’t initiated by me, but we’ll get there lol.

Bachelor #1: a lawyer, chocolately and fine, God-fearing, politically checked in, funny, and works with youth. 

He checked off a number of boxes for me clearly.  We spent almost two hours on the phone Friday night and had made plans to get together Sunday after he was done with church.  Saturday afternoon, he had taken a break from writing his sermon to give me a call (he and other church elders moonlight as the pastor of their church while they search for a new one).  I don’t remember how we got onto the topic of political views, but he made a remark that no one is actually fully liberal.  And I said I know for a fact I am, and he said, “I’m sure your liberal views have boundaries”.  So I asked for examples, and it immediately went the route of some transphobic views of one of the youth his organization works with.  He thought that an 11-year-old couldn’t determine his trans identity, and that he was more likely a lesbian than trans, and that perhaps his trauma from a dysfunctional home life caused this.  He disagreed with his org honoring his gender expression.

I want to mention here that I used he/him/his pronouns above in the retelling, because Bachelor #1 didn’t, which he also tried to correct me on. 

It became a mess.  We weren’t arguing, but I did tell him that if I became a parent one day, I would hope that I could be better to my kids than adults were to our generation where it pertained to sexual orientation and gender expression.  I could tell he didn’t agree or that he was surprised by my viewpoint.  He said we could discuss it more, and I said I’m open to that, but I won’t be changing my mind, nor that I wouldn’t try to change his, but that I would hope he would keep his views separate from his work if his goal is to ultimately support young people. 

Welp, Sunday morning, I woke up to a text from him stating that he no longer wanted to speak to me and that he didn’t feel a connection.  This isn’t the first time my views on LGBTQ+ matters have made a man stop speaking to me.  It’s so unsettling how rampant transphobia and homophobia are in the Black community.  I remain convicted in my continued learning and growth to understand, respect, and show compassion for people, and I can’t see myself spending significant time and space with a partner who isn’t doing the same.

See? not my fault!

Bachelor #2 actually asked me out during our speed dating round lol.  He wasn’t exactly my type out the gate, but he wasn’t bad looking.. and hey, some connections are a little of a simmer and not a full boil right?

He suggested we should go out Saturday night, and I said I was down, except that we would need to meet up earlier in the evening since everything closes at 10 pm now.  So around noon, I text messaged him to confirm when we’d still be getting together.  He responded he would pick me up around 8 or 9 pm.  I shared that that would be too late, because.. COVID closures.  He then suggested going to the movies on Long Island.  COVID aside, the movies for a first date makes no sense to me.  We’d be sitting in a dark room and wouldn’t be able to speak. I wasn’t with it.  His responses were pretty spaced out, so by the time 6 pm rolled around, I was starting to think that this wasn’t going to happen.  Then I had that convo on transphobia with Bachelor #1 so at that point, I was tired of both of these negroes.

 At 7:30, he finally responds and says let’s try for another day. 

Now, one thing about me, I don’t do well with my time being wasted or treated carelessly. 

It’s a HUGE pet peeve of mine in general, but especially in dating, because many men I’ve met fail to plan properly.  In a non-pandemic setting, his suggestion of 8 pm or 9 pm would have been totally fine.  But we are in different times now, and it requires some forethought, and some planning, and at the very least, an earlier call time!  So for him to take so long to respond and finally tell me he wanted to reschedule was so annoying.  Given the fact I was already on the fence about him, I told him let’s not try. He then suggested just stopping by to see me, and I told him I was also not interested in that.  So yea, that happened.

On to Bachelor #3…

So Bachelor #3 was another man who I was on the fence about.  He seemed nice enough, but I could tell he was significantly younger than me, and maybe wouldn’t be able to hold my attention once we got on the phone.  He kept on asking the same questions in different ways over and over, and I was answering them at first but I grew weary of the banter. A few quick googles on his name landed me at his YouTube channel where he’s posted several videos about bitcoin and I was not impressed lol.  He wanted to take me out on Monday evening after work, but I didn’t have the interest nor the heart to let a man spend money on me for a date that would be our last.  So I politely let him know I didn’t think this was going to work, and to his credit, he took it well and didn’t come at me crazy for the rejection.  I am grateful for that. 

So after 72-85 hours, there is one man left standing. Bachelor #4 is a brother from Philly who works in NJ, and also in fundraising.  Ironic that we do similar work? Yes.  I actually connected via Facetime first after the event, and probably would have stayed on the phone with him longer, but it was late and he had to work early the next day. About 20 minutes after he and I got off the phone, Bachelor #1 reached out, and Bachelor #2 text messaged me while we were on the phone. It was a busy Friday night lol.

Anywho, Bachelor #4 has been consistent since we initially matched Friday night and even wrote me this morning to see how I was doing and to wish me a good day. I’m hopeful we can keep that same energy, and meet in person soon. He is also chocolatey and fine and has a well-nourished beard. I am feeling all of those things lol.

To be honest, the juggling of potential suitors is a lot.  It really only needs to be right with one man. I want to have Lori Harvey energy, but I’m trying to be like Ciara before the Lord calls me home! Dating has its moments, but the reintroducing and elevator pitching routine is growing tiresome for your girl. What is a single fabulous thirty-something to do?

I will continue this series in the weeks and months ahead. so stay tuned!

- mel b.