Recovery and Resolutions
Recovery is defined as “a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength”. If that’s how the colonizers define it, then it means that I have not fully recovered from surgery. Physically, things still hurt, my energy has a beginning and end, and it will be a while before I can use tampons or swim again…when I say swim, I mean more like lounge around in water that I can stand in without an issue cuz her tall lol. What has been the biggest hurdle is my mental health. This surgery has unearthed some dark, unvisited areas of my “junk”. What’s junk? All the things I put away for later examination and later conveniently never comes— family estrangement, dating challenges, my unorganized apartment, my weight gain, financial instability.. that’s my junk. On the surface, I usually make light of these things. I make jokes about it—a “laugh at my pain” approach. It deflects from the real work of processing in my attempt to prevent my friends from feeling sorry for me out loud.
It’s wild to me that so much of this came up post- surgery. I’ve spent months in semi-isolation due to the pandemic. Back in March, I didn’t leave my apartment building for almost two months. Now I’m usually home for about a week before heading out for an errand or responsible outing with a friend. All this alone time did leave me with plenty of time to think, but the post-surgery isolation has been different. I think facing my mortality forced all the junk to come to the surface in a tidal wave. The big things coming up for me currently is that I had to weather all my health challenges (I had COVID19 back in March, and now this surgery) this year without family or a significant other. I love my friends and coworkers for their support, but the absence of family or a significant other loomed larger than I initially acknowledged.
Post-surgery thoughts took me to a dark place last week. It was a space that I had only been to twice in my lifetime, a space that felt very overwhelming— like there was only one exit available.
And I had the means to make that exit. I have 3 prescription bottles full of pain meds that probably would do the trick.
It was a phone conversation that pulled me back to some light. I’m not sure that person even knew how close to the brink I was. I told them I didn’t know if I had the strength to bounce back this time. I’ve experienced some tough things in my life, and I’ve always mustered the strength, rallied, and figured it out. This year though, it just felt like too much.
2020 has been too much. So much loss, so many real threats to the world as we know it. Personally, so many threats to my health and well-being. I just didn’t know if I had enough gas in my tank to keep going.
I feel okay today as I write this blog, but I know this space of okay is fragile at best. As I face another potential health issue, I know I have to prioritize my mental health as well. I’m holding on with the ashiest of knuckles to whatever “okayness” I have left, and my hands are tired. I don’t want to lose my grip again. I need help, and I plan to seek it out in earnest. Depression, “the blues”, and/or anxiety have had a home with me for years. From what I’ve learned so far, surgery can be a trigger for these feelings, so I continue to do what I can to remain positive, while also committing to finding a therapist to work on these challenges.
Before you begin to think the worst and worry overtime about me, all this alone time in my thoughts hasn’t been completely bleak. I have decided to make some resolutions because it’s that time of year. And thinking and planning for these have brought some light to my days, so I find them to be quite positive! So don’t cry for me Argentina (or anywhere else on the innnanets), I’m gonna make a go of this. Here’s what I’m planning to accomplish in 2021:
A focus on my physical health: I did it once some 10 years ago and I know I can be disciplined again and work on living a healthier lifestyle. Now that the fibroid pain is gone, sleep throughout the night is no longer elusive as it used to be. I actually can’t wait to be medically cleared to begin working out! I think it will help with my mental health, which is my next resolution.
A focus on mental health: I said for a long time that I need therapy but this year I commit to actually seeking it out. It’s long overdue and after these past few weeks, I know it’s not just a lofty goal, it’s essential.
Get my driver’s license: Yes, your girl never tried to get her license again after I failed my driving test the first time in 2012. When I came home from the test that day, I had a letter in the mail saying the lump in my breast grew significantly.. a few weeks later I was scheduled for surgery. It was a crazy summer. It threw all my plans out of whack, and I never revisited the license pursuit. It’s time lol. I can’t afford a car right now, but having the license will be helpful. So it’s back on the list.
Make my blog lit: I have so many things to share, and I want to grow the following for my content, so I’m committing to being consistent in my writing and posting.
Make self-care a priority: If you know me, you know I love my job. Like I literally LOVE fundraising. And I’ve chosen work over my own well-being for far too long, and unfortunately have worked at organizations in the past that were okay with, and even rewarded me for those decisions. My major act of self-care for 2021 will be using my paid time off consistently. I typically never take days off, and then I’m reminded sometime in the summer that I have a ton of days to use or lose before my work anniversary. No more of that! I’m going to make a point of using time throughout the year, even if I don’t have any plans. Self-care also means reading more, and taking breaks from social media. It means being honest with my friends when I’m not ok so they can offer support because when I feel alone, I’m not really if I let folx know I need their ear, or just their time to talk shit, have a drink, or cry. It means I am planning a getaway for late January or February because I need to get the eff out of NYC. I don’t know where I’m going but once it’s booked I will definitely be writing about it.. maybe even vlog? We’ll see.
Financial stability: It’s long overdue that I get my affairs in order because I’m a whole adult and YOLO can’t be my mantra all the time lol. I want to improve my credit. Saving and investing are also goals, but baby steps fam, baby steps.
That’s it y’all, that’s the blog post lol. Recovery has not been easy, but I know that better days are ahead. I feel encouraged at some of the movement that is happening right now, and with some applied effort, prayer, support from trained professionals and friends, and a bit of luck, 2021 will be a better year. So here’s to us, friends! Let’s make 2021 our best year yet!
-mel b
